Sacrilage!

Today's post will follow what seem's to be a growing trend round here at Side-Effects headquarters. I will again not be discussing a specific album, not because I am out of albums or anything, but because when I started this, I didn't think about the fact that I might come up with different themes to write about, and since there really are no actual rules for this, I'm gonna do whatever the shit I want. So there you go. And in the efforts of driving people crazy, today is going to be a post about those artists that are almost universally revered, and that I can't fucking stand. I guarantee there will be at least one artist on this least you will disagree with me on. And there is even one on this list that I will tie into what was obviously an overly aggressive proclamation on my part: Concept Album Month. Just couldn't pull it off. So without further ado, here it is - the Possible Side-Effects Sacrilege list, the artists beloved by so many, hated so much by me.





1) The Eagles - This is a pretty typical one. For a certain type of music fan (such as myself), hating The Eagles is a badge of honor, made all the more special by The Big Lebowski, and The Dude's hatred of Don Henley and the rest of these soft rock melon heads. I mean seriously, Joe Walsh? Are you fucking kidding me? There is absolutely nothing good about a band that allows Joe Walsh and Don Henley to be prominent members. Also, as a side note: my hatred of Hippies is pretty much a direct link to my hatred of the song Hotel California. And to all those people who say - but have you heard the live version with the sweet Spanish guitar solo at the beginning? I look at those people with more disgust than I have in my heart for almost anyone.





2) Joni Mitchell - not sure exactly what it is, but I cannot stand Joni Mitchell. Just can't fucking stand her. This one always pisses off people that wish they were alive in the sixties. For some reason, everyone I've met who likes Joni Mitchell, wishes they were some kind of nuvo-hippie, and thinks that Big Yellow Taxi should be the new national anthem. Maybe I just hate Joni Mitchell fans. Hmmm, perhaps I will give her a second chance now that I am no longer at University and the chances of running into someone with dreadlocks are now slim to none (this is an idea that I have had with a few artists, one more of which who will appear on this list and draw me the most anger from the population at large).





3) David Bowie -the concept album tie in. Ziggy Stardust? Fuck Me Running I hate that album. Everyone, for some reason, thinks Bowie is this amazing musical chameleon who changes his style to suit the times, adapting, adopting and making his own the trends that he can seamlessly turn into blah blah blah. In reality, fuck Bowie. I think he has a couple of good songs, Heroes comes to mind immediately, but there are also lots and lots of stinkers. ever actually listen to Let's Dance or China Girl? Come on people. These are not the works of some musical savant. They are lousy 80's songs, even by 80's standards. But my real problem is not really with Bowie's music, exactly, but with how so many people talk about his music. As I mentioned above, die hard Bowie fan's think that he somehow changes all genres he touches, turning them into pure gold. I think at the very most, Bowie is ok at taking current styles and turning them into catchy tunes. And all his songs are instantly recognizable as a David Bowie song. But none of them sound like he actually......wants to be a part of them. Another musical genre jumper, who I enjoy, is Elvis Costello who to me sounds like the opposite of this. When Costello starts singing a jaunty country ballad, or a polka or whatever, it sounds like Costello is trying to own both the song and the genre, to make it his. Bowie, on the other hand, always sounds like a dilettante, like he hears some new sound and thinks "Hmmm, that's interesting, maybe a couple like that and I'll be the talk of the town again." Bowie is a dabbler, not a true believer. And that drives me bonkers. That and Saxaphone solo's. Seriously, Bowie might be the worst perpetrator of this crime against humanity.





4) Pearl Jam - Man is this one going to catch me some grief with a couple of my friends (a particular M.S. to be even more specific). But as the years pass and I re-listen to the Pearl Jam I have, which is not very much truthfully, it grows on me less and less, to the point where I am ready to say that I am not really a big fan. Actually, not really a fan at all. Why? Not sure, really. I remember when I was a youthful music snob, pissing about bands like Creed and their wannabe Eddie Vedder voices and how it bothered me because I thought they were affecting the sound of some much more "authentic" artist. But now, when I listen to Pearl Jam, I think that I might just hate the sound of Eddie Vedder's voice, period. Because when I listen to Pearl Jam now, I still get the same cringe that I used to experience when Creed was on the radio (and fuck, were Creed ever on the radio a lot when I was in the eighth grade). So blast away friends, but to me, Pearl Jam is the least interesting alternative band that is still considered to have been musically relevant (there is a difference between Creed and Pearl Jam - Pearl Jam are influential, even earning a place in history, while Creed just straight up suck). I think I would take almost any of the other "grunge" bands (even the much maligned Stone Temple Pilots) over Pearl Jam, and its not just Eddie Vedders voice, either. Well, its not exclusively his voice anyway, but it does play a large role in my feelings. I also find their music to be some weird, unfortunate hybrid of G'N'R and Nirvana. Which is nowhere near as awesome as it sounds.



5) Before I even drop this one, I am willing to say a lot of my problem with this artist is the fact that I went to a university that seemed to have a lot of douche bag hippies and douche bag frat boy types, and both revered this fellow. So I have told a friend that I will give it a year away from school, then return to the well and see if my feelings change being away from dreadlocked or popped collar devotee's of: Bob Marley - Yes, my musical snobbery does run deep enough that I can in fact claim to be disinterested in, if not downright hostile to the artist who, maybe second only to John Lennon, maybe even more so than the first dead Beatle, is universally beloved. He's like a goddamn poster for peace and understanding. Disliking Bob Marley, for any reason, is about the same as disliking Nelson Mandella or something. Do so at your own risk, because I stand on a very lonely platform whenever I quietly point out to someone who has put Legend on the stereo and begun to sway around and sing along that, actually, I would much rather listen to almost anything than Mr. Marley. Including Pearl Jam. But if your going to say you don't like Bob Marley, you gotta back that up with some powerful shit, right, mon? Well, ok, here goes, I'll try and justify this one. Ever had a terrible time at a party full of guys with frosted tips, Lacoste shirts and $800 shoes, talking about their "number of kills" and enjoying a refreshing Smirnoff Ice? Ever had a lousy time at a party full of guys and girls with dreadlocks, smoking tons of dope, talking about corporate evil while drinking Stella Artois and smoking Benson and Hedges? Ever realize that at both horrible parties, you are listening to Legend? Seriously, lets play a little game with memory, shall we? Imagine the worst party you've ever been at, with the worst people. I'm talking just an all around shitty time. Now think really hard: Bob Marley came on at some point in the night, didn't he? You can admit it, no-one is going to hold it against you. It's a fact. But wait, you say, what about all the great times you have had to Bob Marley? This is true, and I used to love the guys (and can still listen to Catch a Fire at any time), hell I even lost my virginity to the first 0:38 of "Is This Love?" (ZING!). But since going away to school, I will say my tolerance of douche bag fans and the actual music of Bob Marley has been eroded. After a while, if we are being honest, Legend (and by extension, much of Marley's other work) all just kinda sounds the same. It's like AC/DC, but reggae. So there you go. Between fans and the fact that it really doesn't change all that much, I gotta admit, I am not a Marley fan. But, as promised, I will revisit him in some time, now that I am as far away from frat boy/dip-shit hippie types as I'll ever be and see if my opinion changes. On a related note, I wonder if I am the only person who has ever publicly written this much about not liking Marley? I couldn't find a word of negative criticism in the two minutes I spent looking for it.



So there you have it folks, the sacrilege. That's not all of course, I will post another one of these some day to alienate a whole new set of peeps, but for now, that oughta be enough. Shit, maybe even my criticism of Bob Marley will get me my first troll? Who knows? Merry Christmas everyone, hopefully I can get something up here before the New Year.